Ikea: A relationship test

So were in! We have the keys, we have the car park pass, we have a racing bicycle with it's own shoes and carry case! But not ANY furniture, nada, not a single fork nor glass, which means I had to utter the words that make all grown men shiver.

"Babes, were going to have to go to IKEA", I winced as I said them. 

Silence.
Time passes.
More silence......
Tumble weed blows through our empty apartment.........
More time passes.
Deathly silence.
A tree grows in Brooklyn.......

The silence is broken by a reminder that I'd agreed to a 'One trip every two years Ikea rule'.  

I made a convincing argument that;

1. As Johan is Swedish going to Ikea was like going to worship at a Swedish temple
2. Surely considering we'd moved to another country and had no belongings that we'd have to amend the prevision agreement. 

So, an outing date to Ikea was set, however not before I had to agree to Johan's 'Let's not have a fight in Ikea - Strategy' and certain ground rules were laid out to me.

Johan's Ikea trip terms: 

• I am not to linger in the 'brainwashing section' - the area of the shop where they 'lifestyle' the products
• No vases, cushions or tea lights are to be purchased - Only basics...I requested a definition of 'basics'.
• All items were to be price checked as Ikea have started some Premium lines which you  don't realise until you check the receipt - it was the cheap crap only for us
• Johan was to be in charge of the little pencil and writing the item numbers down on the little piece of paper
• Under no circumstances was I to do any of my 'magic eye' measuring.

* My 'magic eye' measuring is quite a gift, whereby I can tell if things will fit by just looking at them. Or sometimes not as the never to be mentioned Ikea measuring incident of 4 years earlier, 4 return Ikea trips and much swearing later and we finally got the right size. 

It was all going so well. 

We had a plan - off Johan went to stock pile the flat pack items and I was left in the kitchen section to get bare essentials and we were to rendezvous at the check out. 

However, left alone and unsupervised I double backed and did what can only be described as military sweep of soft furnishing and candles. 

This back fired as at the rally point Johan demanded a trolley audit and discovered my hordes of cushions, vases, tea lights, picture frames, little metal blows for olives and I was busted. 

Fortunately, by then we were six deep in the queue and only one away from being severed so I knew he wouldn't want to have to drop out of the queue to get rid of my contraband. 

Then it happened......a big fight erupted! I was found in breech of contract and punished by having to eat a dyed pink chicken hot dog! 

Word of advice if you want a happy long lasting relationship NEVER go to Ikea together! 

It is impossible not to  have a fight, even as we discovered when you have a 
'Let's not have a fight at Ikea strategy'. 

The best laid plans of mice and men, eh....

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A Place in the Sun

So due to a random encounter with a Swedish guy on the beach, who put us in touch with a Swedish estate agent - loving the Dubai-Svenksa mafia....we ending up renting an apartment on the Palm. 

We live here

Now there are lots of negative things about The Palm, it's not convenient logistically, there's no public transport, no supermarket (just a horrendously expensive deli), it's touristy with half finished hotels everywhere and so forth. 

Living room view 

However, the deciding factor was that we wanted to live on the beach and now we do, we have our own private beach and sea views from every room and even in the gym. 

Not a bad view from the treadmill

Now renting an apartment is much more complicated than usual due to some little Dubai quirks;

• Required payment method is by local check book  - As a Brit I was less shocked by this prospect as we only did away with them in the UK a few years back. However, to Johan, a Swede the concept of a cheque book - a hand written piece of paper that states an IOU for some money is simply Dickensian. Johan wondered if he needed to procure a quill and wax stamp to write and seal the thing, which I suspect he was secretly looking forward to!
• You can only get a local cheque book if you have local current account, which you can only get if you have a residence visa. 
• You have to pay deposit and 3 months rent in advance!! That plus having to buy furniture pretty much wiped out our savings, goodbye Christmas 2011. 
• You have to write x 3 post dated cheques for the rest of the annual rent - goodbye birthdays, holidays and all fun. 
• You have to write to the land lord and get them to give you a 'Letter of no objection' to get the Electricity, Water and Air conditioning turned on. "Dear Sir, Please am I aloud to  turn on the light/cook food/watch telly - in the flat that I am paying you a small fortune to live in please."

It was all a big faff and was our moving in date that changed 3 times. As was having to pack again...as was having to empty the contents of the fridge again...as was having to manoeuvre Johan's bloody bike bag into the lift on my own...again!!

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Dubai Top Tip #1 - Read Jim Krane's book about Dubai

When we first moved here we had so many questions that we couldn't quite find the answers to. We wanted to understand more about how this place that was to be our new home had evolved from a humble fishing village into this super modern city. We felt we were missing a massive piece of context about Dubai, the history the reasons why things are a certain way. 

Jim Krane's fantastic book Dubai - The Story of The World Fastest Growing City  answered most of them, it's essential reading for anyone new to Dubai or considering moving here or even just interested. 


Each chapter focuses on a different aspect of life or historical events and Jim Krane weaves it all together with fairness and empathy to tell Dubai's story. From how the Burj Al Arab got built to why people in Dubai drive like maniac's, this book spans history and recent events to give you a complete picture of this crazy place called Dubai. 

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The Nilerud's - Of no fixed abode

A few days after I arrived we moved out of the Raddison Blu, in to the first of 3 apartments we would live in during November, in Jumeriah Beach Residences down by the Marina, known locally as JBR.

Temporary Home #1 -
Terracotta and dark red colour scheme 

After 5 days in our far to large hue of terracotta and burnt apricot apartment we moved to a smaller apartment in the same building lower down and with no view. This apartment was riddled with problems, from Air Con so loud we had to shout at one another over the dinner table and our AC wasn't even on, we must have been next to the service room for the entire building! 

To the fact we couldn't even get any towels, we asked reception for two days, 5 times a day alas to  no avail we eventually gave up and had to go and buy some!

We complained to the manager and finally got some towels and upgraded to another apartment, all change again!

Temporary Home #2
Same decor but in Green's I matched my dress;-)

As was the routine by now I had to move all our stuff in the day whilst Johan was at work...Johan had bought his bicycle in a special gargantuan bike bag! 

The bike has better luggage than me -
p.s. He misses his Del Boy slippers! 

So that was fun for me to move each time as was having to empty and relocate the contents of the fridge. 

Temporary Home # 3
White and Grey colour scheme my favourite so far

Now that's more like it - penthouse with a view of the Palm, we happily zoomed up the 42 floors to our new home for the next 3 weeks, feeling that maybe our luck was changing.

A hopeful sunset 

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Dubai's historical Old Town

Some of the few historic
buildings
 left 

Everything in Dubai is so new and shinny which is great in it's own way. 

The Old Fort - Now home to the Dubai Museum

However, when you've moved from history rich cities like London and Stockholm you kind of miss tripping up over really old stuff on every street corner. 
Even though we'd only been in Dubai a few days we were determined to seek out the historic heart of Dubai - the old bits so
we visited the Old town in Bur Dubai.

Sadly there's not that many historical buildings left in Dubai due a combination of factors like the materials historically used, coral and gypsum not being that durable when coupled with the extreme humid climate. Plus, the fact that much of what did remain was very derelict and needed restoring, so instead they bulldozed it in the 1980's to make way for new construction.

What is left has been restored and is very interesting and beautiful, but as it's a tourist attraction not very atmospheric, real local people don't actually live there any more.

Aside from this sad fact, we still had a lovely afternoon, wandering the tiny streets and the Textile Souk. 

We finished off the day with traditional Arabian food at Bastakiah Nights, which is a wonderfully atmospheric restaurant in one of the old buildings. You sit in the court yard under the stars, surrounded by antiques and flickering lanterns. 

Barley soup and mezze yum!

Now Time Out Dubai, gave the food and service an average rating and said the service was grumpy. In contrast both were excellent the night we visited with no grupmy-ness in site other than my own.
You have a set menu which is fine for us as we like trying new things. To drink you get freshly squeezed Lemon & Mint on arrival, then a choice of other fresh juices, we stuck to Lemon & Mint as it's so refreshing. 

The menu is presented as a string tied paper scroll that you have to unravel I love little details like this. To start we had Barley and lemon soup which was surprisingly delicious,i'm not a fan of a soup starter in general especially in a warm climate. Soup for me is best as a winter warmer on a cold day.    

However, I thoroughly enjoyed this hot soup, it came with a muslin covered lemon (genius way to ensure you don't get lemon pips in your soup) that you administer yourself to taste. What works brilliantly is how the creamy-ness from the barley is balanced by the tartness of the lemon, simple and not to stodgy or rich, yummy. 

For mains we had mixed cold mezze and you do have a choice of grilled meat options. We had the mixed kebab and the chicken, the kebabs were a bit much as we were getting full but we soldiered through to desert of fresh fruit and fresh mint tea, perfect end to a lovely day. 

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Dark Clouds Over Dubai

So the first few weeks of our move to Dubai were a bit shakey to say the least. 

Just before I left, we suffered a miscarriage our second in two years, we were of course devastated. Not a great way to be starting your new life -  but what can you do? You have to get on with it.

The worst part was being away from Johan when it happened as he'd already left for Dubai a week ahead of me to start his new job. Thank goodness I was staying with friend's as we had rented out our house already. I have to extend a big thanks to Al & Ian for being amazing and taking care of me. 

It was awful being apart, on seeing Johan at Dubai airport I just wanted him to hold me, however not knowing or rather knowing a little about the sensitivities regarding physical contact we felt we couldn't even do that. 

What made it worse is as we set off in a taxi to Raddisson Blu, which was to be our home for the next few days. Johan as usual was making small talk with the taxi driver and totally not knowing or meaning anything I'm sure the taxi driver said...

'This your wife?' Johan of course said yes, 

then the taxi driver said to me, 

"you wife and have no baby?! You young couple you should get baby". 

Honestly...I was C.R.U.S.H.E.D a wave of fury swampped over me,I wanted to bunch him then Johan squeezed my hand and instead of bunching the taxi driver I burst into tears! Isn't it funny how you can think your holding it together, that your OK and then someone catches you off guard and you just loose it. The rest of the taxi journey was spent in an awkward silence, we waited until we got back to our hotel room and just held each other and cried. 

The days that followed were a blur, a queasy cocktail of jetlag, grief, hormones and the panic that we had uprooted our nice, comfy life in London to live in the desert.... in a hotel room!!

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